(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.