Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
You Might Also Like
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…