It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
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[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.