Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
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She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
fired
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?