someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy