Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
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Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Overindulged this afternoon.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…