Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.