I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
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The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Sing it!
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight