CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
😬
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters