44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
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Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
What about second breakfast?
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.