suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.