Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
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them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
👾👾👾
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.