absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me too
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.