ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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! ! ! !
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Bartenders are just boneless bars
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon