Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.