I am a gravy boat captain
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.