Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Beware of the dog..
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.