Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
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My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
me: Why aren鈥檛 you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
not to brag, but mine was free
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 馃槶
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn鈥檛 as clean as it appears