passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.