My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
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ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
time for some seasonal decor