i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments