People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening