if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Autocorrect is my menesis
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.