I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies