Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
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You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.