My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore