Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
i spent way too long on this
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Worth a try
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?