I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
You Might Also Like
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.