I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
*puts cutlery down*
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.