Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?