Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
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*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Looking at you, Jesus.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards