I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times