I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
You Might Also Like
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I just tested negative for patience.