How to keep the seat next to you empty.
You Might Also Like
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.