So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
You Might Also Like
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
remember
only for emergencies
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”