Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
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ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Lmaoo 😂
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.