I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
You Might Also Like
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Don’t snitch tag.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one