Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.