Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
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Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life