SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
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5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Where’s my employee discount too?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting