Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
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To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Breaking news:
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work