In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I love the honesty
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.