I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
estão todos miauvindo?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.