Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Finally, a door that understands me
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
She was rare, like a goth jogging