[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
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Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Sing it!
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life