[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I cannot stop laughing at this
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president