hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like