If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
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People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
How to draw a duck
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”