Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
me 2 months after i graduated
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶