Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move